Ketamine Reviews: "I tried Ketamine Treatment and this is my experience."
Dear Candace, Austin, Chris, and everyone else who helped me. This is my story and my attempt to thank you all for your care with my emotional triage.
This place is fantastic. I don’t know how to describe my experience other than to say it was incredible. First of all, the office is warm and inviting. Secondly, every staff member treated me with respect and dignity. It was not exactly what I wanted to do with my time, but I knew I had to do something to help my chronic depression. I couldn’t get out of bed because I didn’t see the purpose of anything anymore. I had completely given up on myself after repeated childhood trauma, 40+ years of self-loathing, a recent injury, changing careers, avoiding friends and family and heavily self-medicating with alcohol. With diagnoses including CPTSD, Chronic Depression, Social Anxiety, ADHD, High Blood Pressure, Pre Diabetes. You name it, I had probably received the diagnosis. I tried DBT, EMDR, and talk therapy. I felt like I was just telling the same stories. My problems were too big to work through because I couldn’t get rid of myself. I couldn’t be the person I wanted to be anymore. I allowed myself to go too far. It was a kind of mid-life crisis and I couldn’t see any way out of it. My husband was ready to send me to a hospital because my negativity was so toxic. I felt as if my children would be better without me around and I wanted to die. I was even a little angry at my family for making me feel guilty for wishing I could die or at least disappear without a trace.
The first time, I was still quite reserved, but I felt as if I had entered a sensory deprivation chamber. I felt like Elle in Stranger Things, in a dark black room. I was onstage but I had nothing to say. By the second dose, I began using my hands in ritualistic manners, like cleansing and healing. My hands, like a fan, moving the negativity out, allowing something beautiful to take hold. I found a regular rhythm during my sessions where I just gave into the medicine and found myself soaked in tears as I told my story to my friend. There were sessions where I received divine inspiration from my deceased loved ones. Sometimes, I received sage advice without hearing actual words from the ancient ones. Instead of words, the messages were beautiful, visual, natural, patterns, swirls, circles, changing mandalas, like a kaleidoscope, smoke signals from the Palo Santo, and colors that blanketed me. I even experienced my own mortality. It was frightening. It was sad. It was raging. It was beautiful. Lost in my visions, my ego became part of something bigger. I was like a bee carrying my treasured honey back to the hive. I knew that I would become assimilated, the closer I came to the hive and I was okay being absorbed by the collective. I began to recognize a feeling of healing. There is nothing logical about it and yet it was very real.
After only the second dose, I suddenly felt different. I wasn’t planning how and when I could get my first drink for the day or how I could hide it from my family. Instead, I began to find joy in my everyday life. By the end of my fifth visit, I started reaching out to old friends, answering my phone again, and I began cooking healthy meals for myself and my family. I recognized that I was smiling and generally felt better than I felt worse. It was a complete reversal from how I had felt for years. Honestly, I didn’t even realize how great it felt because it just began to feel normal. I was able to let go of my head and find my heart. “Lose your head, find your soul!” was my inner mantra.
It’s an interesting thing to completely give yourself to the healing process. Those of us growing up during the 80s were brainwashed into thinking that drugs are only bad. We must change this widely accepted view. I think of my experience with Ketamine as the AED that I needed to jumpstart my emotional heart. It saved me by allowing me to let go of trying to make sense in my head and give into my feeling self. I can honestly say that I can let go of my old stories. I don’t need them anymore because I get to write anything I want. I determine my future, not my stories.
Transformed, humbled, and filled with honesty,
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